But what if they come back into my life?

I went out to eat last night with one of my closest friends--a friend who says what she thinks--and we talked about this forgiveness thing. I listened to what she said about a person in her own life who wounded her. Despite the person's perfunctory cards, etc., my friend will have none of it.

She said that the person (we shall call her Vickie) is only sending these notes to get back in with her for business reasons. Vickie is kind when it is profitable to her; otherwise, she will screw you every way but up. My friend asked me what the point is in forgiving Vickie because she will turn it into something profitable for her. She says that it is far more profitable to her to keep the relationship lopped off.

Can I reconcile it in my mind? A million times over. I have walked this same path with people over the years and walked away from them without regret. I understand my friend's decision to end her pain.

When does forgiveness hurt a person more than it helps them? Does God say "never". I need to know the answer.

A Memory worth Remembering

It/ is the middle day of Memorial Day Weekend. Why is it that I think of memories I'd like to forget? I make myself flip those thoughts to fun times and people I choose to remember. Out of the blue, a friend called and asked me to go eat dinner. She understands that one has to take the bull by the horns to get through holidays and have some happy moments. Happiness is a choice. I believe that.

Is forgiveness a choice? I'm sweating that out. David Augsburger says that for Jesus, the primary issue in forgiving our neighbor (or relative, friend, or enemy) is not inner peace for oneself, nor is it moral rightness with our own consciences. Those are self-centered goals. Instead Jesus recognizes that forgiving is a painful journey, an extended wrestling with the injury, a process that is not complete until we take whatever steps are possible toward restoring, reconstructing, and rediscovering relationships with those who have offended us.

If I am getting his message, one must reconstruct a relationship for forgiveness to be complete. Whoops. What if it were a barely-speaking, scarcely acknowledging a relationship. Would that count for completeness! If not, I have to think that I am sunk.

Can I forge a memory worth remembering with people I have tried my dead-level best to forget?

Memorial Day, 2010

Memorial Day has always been a fun time for us as a family. School was out--weather was good. It was a time to "fix" sloppy joes, turnip greens and baked beans. I have done all this today. But somehow, Memorial Day is not the same when you are sitting alone trying to think up ways that might make this holiday more festive.

Remembering the past involves reliving the road to the present. That is not always pleasant. I even cleaned a closet this morning--who says I am not trying to be productive? In the file in the closet, I found an article entitled "How to Say Yes to Happiness" taken from Womans Day 8/7/01 and I have no idea why I tore it out and kept it. But I did. I decided it must have something to say. So I dusted it off and read it again. The author (Sally Stich) wrote: "When I made the decision to stop being miserable, I really didn't know what I'd feel like. I still have moments of self-doubt, but that decision changed our life."

I started to put the article down because I had read a million of them like this. (That is a ministerial estimate) Besides, I was not miserable- I was just miserable about four situations and I was trying to cope with them. But I continued.

She made the point that Happiness is a choice. I agree. The author went on that a person should make these choices ...starting today:

Talk your way to happiness. Don't live in a world of pessimism and spread it constantly.

Exercise It's good for you and helps your outlook.

Don't bury your emotions. Find a way, like journaling or painting, to express them.

Pamper yourself. Don't spend all your time trying to make other people happy.

Listen to happy music. It takes away your bad mood.

Over the long haul:

Have purpose --Find your dream or interest.

Stop looking to others for your happiness.

Take risks --learn a new skill or join a new group.

Keep close ties --Stay close to people who love you and support you.

See every problem as having many solutions. Figure the best one for you out.

Involve yourself--Volunteer in some ways to make life better for others.

Get spiritual--Look at your bad and grow from them.

Happy Memorial Day -- Remember who you are!

Eating Crow with Trudy Lee

Trudy Lee was one of the four "Collateral damage" folk I targeted in my moving down the road that leads to forgiveness. When my contract was not renewed at the University, she was overtly pleased because that meant that she could take over my development contacts and her numbers were sure to go up plus the fact that she would not have to "develop" them into contacts for the University. She never said goodbye or kiss my foot or zilch. I had taken her under my wing years earlier when she came to the University not knowing squat about development and mentored her big time. I thought her lack of gratitude left a lot to be desired.

But I emailed her and asked her to lunch which she quickly accepted. I am certain, in retrospect, that she wanted to be able to tell everyone that we had lunched and all the news. But we did go out and we talked on a level of superficiality plus a little extra.

I still think it was worth doing. I made an effort. Nothing was solved but nothing was ruined by the effort. I can't think of a thing that was said that could ease my forgiveness deal with her. But Daddy used to say that he thought you got credit for the things you wanted to do; not just what you did. I hope that he is right.

I wanted to make four calls and I made those 4 contacts. Two responded and two did not. I cannot say whether I made better attempts at forgivenes with the responses or non-responses.

Who knows! But I tried.

A reading of Augsburger

Back is doing better so I took out a new book I ordered written by David Augsburger entitled "The New Freedom of Forgiveness". I like the beginning comments:

To those many, many persons,

Who, like their Galilean Teacher, would

Forgive and forgive, and forgive and forgive

Without waiting for memory fatigue,

Without resorting to pious denial,

Without substituting empty tolerance,

But forgive and forgive again.

I like this It gives you a quick sense that this person knows whereof he speaks and the book will be worth the read. I need something to hold on since I may be forced to deal directly with ex-husband and sister both in the next two weeks. Am I just blowing smoke about trying to learn to forgive and do I plan to start with the collateral damage and end with collateral damage without getting directly to the source. I am not one of the people Mr. Augsburger is talking about. I don't even know if I want to be one of those people. I would have to release too much of the shrapnel I carry at all times and relinquish the pain to God.

And to the author I say, whether you forgive or hate eternally, do they both go on forever? Give me a sign.

Blah and Humbug

I can't think lofty thoughts or deal with any of the quandaries about forgiveness today. I wrenched my back picking up a potted plant at an outside garden and I don't want to do anything but feel sorry for myself. I am in a black funk --mad because I have no one here to get me a Tylenol or to pick up a magnifying glass I dropped in the floor. I miss having a family on a daily basis.

No need to waste the day crying over a bad back. I may spend the day watching a NCIS marathon and leave the idealism for another day when I feel like thinking about something more than my bad back.

You gotta wonder if Billy Graham or Albert Einstein or Pope John took days off when they were burned out or tired out! I'm hoping they did.

Compassion and Henry J. M. Nouwen

Henry J. M. Nouwen, who wrote The Wounded Healer, has something to say if one wants to hear. This book, written with Douglas Morrison and Donald McNeill, is a document on what it means to be a Christian when things are rough in one's life. And that is when compassion has to kick in big time. I never thought that the words--compassion and forgiveness--should be interchangeable but I think so now. I wonder whether anyone is capable of truly forgiving someone who has caused them massive pain unless they have a large dose of compassion within their own soul.

Nouwen and his fellow authors say that community involves living and working together and the major community is the family. Nouwen writes: "The call to community as we hear it from the Lord is the call to move away from the ordinary and proper places." Does this include moving away from the ordinary and improper ways of behavior? Had he included a niece who had massive problems with anger management and one who had massive problems with being a control-freak? Our family had enough problems with first generation hang-ups but the second-generational problems are racking up more problems than anyone can deal with. Is there a chance that community can ever return to this family?

He adds: "Therefore the movement toward compassion always starts by gaining distance from the world that wants to make us objects of interest."

So the list multiplies and increases: Forgiveness, Community, Compassion.

Act Now or Forever hold your Un-Peace

I am big on calculating how people have violated my rights. The deeds are etched on my mind and in the privacy of my world, I can recite them. These are just the major players. I don't play games with those in the minor leagues of hurt. Oddly enough, half of the time, I can't even remember what the minor players did or if I have a mad on them. But these four majors, I remember all of the gory details. But now I intend to think about acting to clear up these messes.

One at a time. No promises to carry it further. Start with the collateral damage and see how that goes. But I am committed to taking one step in each of the four hell holes of anger.

1. My ex-husband who cheated on me. He went on with his life and career and I had to deal with the pieces of the scandal every day since. What I hate is that I can't thoroughly enjoy the time with my family when he is around. I hope he can't either. After 20 years, I don't think it can ever end for me. He kills me when he tries to hug me, or calls me some pet name, or tries to appear that we are friendly or brags about our children or reads the love chapter at the wedding of a grandchild.

My first step at collateral damage: I called around and got the number of James E., who grew up with me and covered up the liaisons that my ex-husband had with his lover. For years, I would not even give him the time of day. But I found the number, finally, and I called him and told him (truthfully) that I still cared about him and hoped he was okay. It gave us a time to talk and it made me feel good about making the attempt. I think he was stunned but was happy for the call.

2. The second war was with my pastor at the church. I was so faithful and stood up firmly for him when the church split because people were talking about him and accusing him of all kinds of things. I would not listen to all of the talk; he and his minister of education convinced me that this was mean talk.

My first step at collateral damage: I found the number and called the minister of education who has moved all over and apparently left the ministry and is working in the food area. I left a mesage for him--it was his voice on the answering machine--but he has not called me back. I am still glad that I called him. If he does not choose to call back, it is his call. He may have been hornswaggled also.

3. The third war was with the administration at the university. I had worked there for 36 years and felt that I deserved better than to have a flunkie walk in and say that my contract would not be renewed. I reacted poorly and packed up my stuff and left in silence. I have cut off all ties to a University which had taken so much of my life.

My first step at collateral damage: I e-mailed one of my co-workers and asked her if she wanted to go to lunch. She had been so thrilled that I was leaving so that she would be able to take over my donors and not have to work hard to develop her own. It was a marriage made in her own idea of heaven. She accepted my offer within 20 minutes and the date is set.

4. The fourth, and most difficult at this point in time, is my sister, Betty. She has faced two tragedies in the last four months and then suffered a stroke. Her children have viewed me as the enemy counselor since I stayed with her for three months and encouraged her to take her sizable income and do what she wanted to do with it. Her children had other ideas. She held on to her children as she dealt with the stroke.

My first step at collateral damage: I emailed my apology to my sister's main flunkie since I cut off any contact with her also. I told her how I felt but that I should not have included her as a part of the lop-off. I have not heard from her since. At least, I said what I felt I should say.

These are small steps--not for me--but they are acts that are sincere. I am hoping that they do not fall on deaf ears. But the truth is, each of these people have reached out to me and my ears were deaf.

Richard Foster, author

Richard Foster is the author with whom I always find companionship. His book jacket calls him compelling and sensitive and I agree with that assessment. It doesn't matter which of his books I read, it will have meaning. This book is entitled "Prayer".

Bingo. "Suffice it to say here that we who follow Jesus Christ have been given the gracious ministry of bringing God's forgiveness to one another (John 20:23) Foster points out that the entire l8th chapter of Matthew is devoted to Jesus' teaching on the giving and receiving of forgiveness, and smackdab in the middle it says, "Whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.: (Matt. l8:18) Did I miss these words along the way or did I tear those pages out of my Bible on purpose, knowing that I would have no further need of them.

I better look at this more closely and see what it entails. I ask myself often the question, "What is in it for me?" Does this hit me where I carry the scars? My first thought is that it is saying that you get what you give! So, I have not treated the people who have harmed me emotionally with open warfare or contempt. I have cut them off from my life and I hoped for the same full measure My problem is that I want the same measure from them and they keep trying to screw with me. I want them to give me what I am giving them.

Later on in the book, Foster (p. l87) writes:

So it is with forgiveness. As long as the only cry heard among us is for vengeance, there can be no reconciliation. If our hearts are so narrow as to see only how others have hurt and offended us, we cannot see how we have offended God and so find no need to seek forgiveness. If we are always calculating in our hearts how much this one and that one have violated our rights, by the very nature of things we will not be able to pray this prayer.

I am busted. I have not spent a great deal of time considering how I have offended God.

A Mistaken Address

last week an aging realtor in our community sent me a note by mistake. He sent the note to my address but addressed it to another person with the same last name. I called the office and the secretary said to send it back and that he was confused. Today I received another envelope from the same man--wrong first name, right address.

I opened the letter to see if I should return it again to the office. It was a testimony of Tony Snow, former Press Secretary of President Bush, and his fight with cancer. He cautions all of us dealing with grave dilemmas to "open our eyes and hearts. God relishes surprise. We want lives of simple, predictable ease--smooth, even trails as far as the eye can see--but God likes to go off-road. He provokes us with twists and turns. He places us in predicaments that seem to defy our endurance and comprehension--and yet don't . By his love and grace, we persevere. The challenges that make our hearts leap and stomachs churn invariably strengthen our faith and grant measures of wisdom and joy we would not experience otherwise."

Now, Lord, this may be true but if it is all the same to you, I would have easily let someone else have the pleasure of the experience. Facetious as that last statement is, the more profound is the statement of Mr. Snow. I need to find comfort in the twists and turns and hope that, somehow, I come out of all of it with a strengthened faith and joy.

Some wise soul told me when I was going through the agony of my divorce, "He doesn't deserve to take your happiness with him." He didn't take it with him. But he stayed behind in my head living rent-free. He doesn't deserve that either. I need to change my address to one he can no longer occupy.

Bev Hickam and Beth Moore

I have only seen Beth Moore in snatches. She bothers me. She is so animated that she turns me off. I just want to tell her to turn it down a notch or so. But she must have something to recommend her that I am missing. Bev Hickam, my friend of many years, studies her books and sets up a televised showing of her for Trinity Lutheran Church. Bev is not fooled easily so Beth Moore must have something that I have not seen. So I will rectify that.

I pulled up a video of her on the subject, "Living Forgiving" where she spoke about forgiving offenses that devastate a person. I will watch and listen. I have been there. I am trying to find a way through it 20 years later. She can animate all she wants if she has some roadmap tips.

Yuk. She hits me in the face right on quoting Ephesians 4:31-32 "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."

Just as I was saying to myself, "That's great advice for people who have to "forgive the minors; not too easy for people who have been deal major pain. Does God honestly expect people to forgive this kind of pain?", Beth Moore said the same thing. Instant semi-bonding. It cemented when she said, "Bitterness is drinking poison and expecting someone else to die from it." Kind of statement you love to hate. She quoted Proverbs 14:10 "The heart knows its own bitterness, and a stranger does not share its joy."

I liked her comments and I felt her own pain. She says that devastation leads to isolation and no one really can walk the walk with us except God. He gives us permission to feel that we must find our own way and not fit someone else's pattern.

My finite mind cannot fathom the idea that every snowflake and DNA are different. I quickly grasp the idea that I got to this point as a unique individual and I have a high permission to deal with it with that same uniqueness. Thanks to you, Beth Moore, and to you Bev Hickam.

Forgiveness is an Action verb.

I continue to read every book I have that might give me some new ideas about how to forgive and why and all of that. I may end up being an expert on what it is. But that does not get the job done in my mind. The problems are still out there looming around and the collateral damage is growing.

Last night one of my best friends called and is furious about the way my sister treated me and she is not one to sit quietly and not inform our world.

Today I went out to lunch, at my request, with a minister friend of my sister and of mine. I told him the ugly story and asked for his advice. He asked all the pastoral questions of relinquishing it to God, believe and it will work out, have I prayed about it? When he saw that I was not interested in pat answers from a professional healer, he got down to business. Everything he said then required an action. Would I consider confronting her? Did I want him to confront her? Had I considered getting a mediator? (I thought that this sounded like a labor dispute; this is a family dispute.) I finally asked the waitress to bring the check because the conversation was not leading me down the path of forgiveness. I told him that I had considered everything that I could think of to consider except something that might lead to an actual solution. He said he knew that but he had to say the usual truisms. Theology is a genetic truism for Betty and for me, pk's that we are. We just don't know how to live it sometimes!

But maybe, he is right after all. Maybe I need to do less reading and less thinking about this and do a few more actions.

Facing Your Giants

One of my friends, Lisa Q., gave me a book for Christmas called FACING YOUR GIANTS written by Max Lucada. Grasp would not be a word that I would use to describe this well-known and prolific author. His words or ideas don't demand a rabid concentration or having a dictionary close at hand to check every sentence. It is easy reading. Since Karl Barth is a little out of my concentration, at this point, I picked up the book again.

I thumbed through the index--saw nothing on forgiveness--and then flipped through the book, landing on Chapter Six "Grief Givers". This 8 page chapter culminates in a mini-lesson where forgiveness is mentioned a few times. The chapter starts with the story of the tree which survived the bombing in Oklahoma City. The bombing stripped her of her branches but she endured and came out leafing again. Thus, people trek to see the tree now which is known as the Survivor tree. I wonder if they are seeking reassurance that they, too, can survive an emotional bombing.

I liked one paragraph and would not change a word. It says what I want to say and want to hear:

Forgiveness is, at its core, choosing to see your offender with different eyes. When some Moravian missionaries took the message of God to the Eskimos, the missionaries struggled to find a word in the native language for forgiveness. They finally landed on this cumbersome twenty four letter choice: issumagijoujungnainermik. This word is literally translated, "not being able to think about it anymore."

I can't imagine anyone who has dealt the way I have with severed relationships who wouldn't give her eyeteeth to have all memory of that relationship sucked out of her brain, nevermore to have to deal with it. But that person still lives rent-free and lands at the most inopportune times.

What is forgiveness? Lucado says it is moving on, you don't think about the offense anymore. You see your enemy as God's child and revenge as God's business. I'm not there yet. I have not relinquished revenge as God's job only. I think that one reason I have severed relationships is that is the only revenge I still have.

Lucado leaves the chapter with the question: "Dare we ask God for grace when we refuse to give it?" I have to think about this.

Catherine Marshall on Forgiving

I was looking through some books today and found a compilation of the works of Catherine Marshall, long-time best selling author in Christian circles. As I leafed through the pages, I saw a little article entitled "To Forgive..and Forget". She tells of being attacked verbally by a woman who detested her writings and the author said that she had a physical sensation every time she even thought about the woman, "as of iron bars pressing against my chest." Yes, Catherine, there is that feeling and it is not Santa Claus.

She said that through prayer, God revealed to her that she was to ask forgiveness for holding on to these memories and "ask for an alarm system on the door of my mind whenever the memory tries to creep back." She said that she tried to train herself to look on everyone who had hurt her with compassion and love and concentrate on the potential they have for good.

As an afterthought, she asked God if that approach will bring about changes in them? God said, "That's between them and Me. You will have peace."

That is probably a baby step for me. What if I ask God (I hope I don't hear "This is not a working number!") for forgiveness for holding on to such painful memories and let this person go. I call this a prayer of relinquishment for the person who makes it. It may stop a few of the iron bars from being felt if one knew that they were no longer responsible for keeping the pressure on. I will make the request and let it go like a kite in the sky.

Giving Forgiveness a Chance

I need to think about this forgiveness journey. I have all of these lopped off relationships that came about because I had been hurt along the way and wanted no more of it. When I lopped them off, I insisted that they stay lopped off until eternity. But the last lop-off was my sister and I miss her. I don't want to leave the world like this and I don't want her to leave me without saying goodbye.

I need to know if there are other choices out there or new pathways. The thing that triggered this idea was an article I read in our daily newspaper written by the Methodist minister entitled, "Giving Forgiveness a chance." Although I had lopped off my church attendance a few years ago, after a big disagreement, I still search for something to think about. One line stood out in the article, "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself...If we do not forgive, we allow someone else to live in our heads rent-free."

I have taken a great deal of misplaced pride in the fact that when I was thru with someone, I stayed through with them: my ex-husband who had filed for divorce twenty years before and married one of the women he had been involved with; that applied tomy pastor who had deceived the church and me; that applied to all of the university administration who had not renewed my contract when I was 70 years old; and this applied to my sister and her children who had treated me with disrespect after I had taken care of her for three months and moved in with her temporarily so she would not be alone after losing her husband and oldest child within a four month period.

I spend way too much time, these days, avoiding these people and keeping them out of my sights and my thoughts. But they crept back into my head at night and they lurked there where they have lived part-time rent-free.

Philosophy of Debbie Bickings

For over twenty years Debbie Bickings has come to my house to do my hair before I go to work. It all started when she was in beauty school and I gave her some tuition money to help pay her way into the school. It has continued because we have grown to love and depend upon each other.

During these years, we have talked in the mirror of my bedroom about the problems that have come to us. And these have not been simple problems in our minds --her sister's drug overdose, her divorce from her alcoholic husband, my divorce from an over-sized ego husband, her son's tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, etc. I could go on but each phrase minimizes the enormous problem that happened. Change happens every day to all of us. We deal with it and either decide to move on, ignore it or live with it. I have usually chosen to ignore it when it is major and now, I turn again to Debbie. What if I can no longer keep my status quo of ignoring the person when I am forced to be around that person? I told her about the fallout which was slowly enveloping those around us. I told her that at my grandson's graduation, which should have been a day of complete happiness, my son was most concerned that I not have to sit next to my ex-husband and he was running around getting the word to everyone there. I do not qualify as some kind of disaster victim in every family sitting.

So I came home and sent out the photograph of all of us together to all of my family on my e-mail batch. We used to play a game, when I was a kid, called Steps. You could take baby steps, giant steps, crooked man steps, and soldier steps. Whoever got back to the tagline first won the game. My sending the photograph is a mini-micro step for all of them but it is a soldier step for me. It puts me further on the road to forgiveness than I was when I started on the road.

Debbie said that her mother, who is opinionated and difficult, refuses to make any concession to altering her conduct pattern and never, never apologizes for her mouth or her actions. She seems to excuse it all with the words: "Well, that is who I am. They will just have to get over it."

Debbie and her surviving siblings have trouble with the fallout from her pronouncement. So do I.

Am I guilty of the same offense? Are my children dealing with my antics in the same, regretful way?

The Backup Dad's Club

Two articles appeared in magazines last week with the same subject. Author Bruce Feiler discovered that he had cancer and he enlisted some of his friends to be father figures for his twins.

He thought that they should have a back-up group who would always have their backs. His pitch to his six friends was: "These are the men who know me best. The men who share my values. Men who know my voice. Will you help me be their dad?"

Magazines such as Time (May 17, 2010) and People (May 24, 2010) thought that the subject was so unique that they devoted ink and space to the concept. Feiler called it The Council of Dads.

Most of us have our own concentric circles who are affected by our views and their love for us. But sometimes, we are stymied from moving forward because these people within the arc ofw circumference have stood firmly for us without flinching or changing positions. They carry in their bodies the shrapnel of our battle. One move and it will hit their heart or their friendship with us. They have long ago given up trying to walk and talk both sides. They chose and they have chosen to stay chosen.

I would lose two members of my Backup Fan Club if I tried to make any kind of peace. They have met my enemies and they are now theirs!

A Preacher's Kid --Once and Forever

There is something about being a being a preacher's kid that says I must push on and find somekind of road that leads to my right thinking about forgiveness with my sister, Betty. We sat together in church, Sunday after Sunday, Wednesday night after Wednesday night, and listened to Daddy quote the Scriptures about right-doing and right-thinking and seeking after the Kingdom. Can we escape our raising? Did Betty listen to what he read about asking for forgiveness? Did I listen to what he read about the one who was wronged going to make it right?

Removing Daddy from the theological framework (and that is tough to do), I read the words of William Barclay in his book, THE MIND OF JESUS; In Matthew 18:23-25 it talks about the fact that the forgiving spirit is said to be a condition of entry into the Kingdom. We must forgive as God forgives and treat people as God treats people.

Daddy seemed to be God's hands on earth to many people. We always said that he would give a stranger the shirt off our backs and that if someone murdered one of his eight children, we would have to hold up the funeral until he could find the murderer and ask him to sit with the family. I think he was a remarkable witness for the social gospel. He had a forgiving spirit. He would have welcomed his wayward son home and killed the fatted calf.

I don't have to wonder what he would say to Betty or to me. I've heard his words too many times, "I like my people to get along." If I continue on this path, I will escape my raising. But what will I gain?

Emotional Fallout

I had an incidence yesterday that reminded me that the alienation between two parties affects many people who are just in that emotional vicinity. Pam F. called me about something that has long been in the planning in the family (which I had a big part in that planning) and acted like I would still come down for the event and big a regular part. Pam often twists words so that they appear like she wants them to appear and I had to jump in and tell her not to tell anyone that I would be there. She was not in charge of my decisions. I hated it because I like her but I also know that I have to watch out for her interpretation of other people's words.

I got off of the phone and thought about people who have gotten caught up in my rages of unforgiveness. It is a form of un-nuclear fallout. Nuclear fallout is what falls from the sky after a nuclear explosion with debris and ash so thick that it beats out the sun from view. This fallout produces both immediate and delayed destructive effects

So does the fallout which results after a family or work or neighborhood explosion. It makes you concentrate so hard on the bad that the good people and past good acts and relationships are hidden from one's sun. And there is no time limitation on how long the bad will filter out the good.

I have to start repairing the fallout from my alienations. My children and grandchildren, nieces and nephews and friends have been sucked into this inferno because of their love for me and they can do nothing but rotate and twist in the flame. So to those who call me and give their support--to my brother, to my niece, Betty Ann, to Jennie and Rose Marie, my sisters and to my friends, Joan, Bev, Debbie and Greg, I say thanks for caring. I will try to do one better than I have done. And to Pam, I will attempt to take a few steps but don't push it and don't interpret for me!

Listening to your Life

I love to read anything by Frederick Buechner. He can make theology seem as rational and easy as ABC. In his book of meditations, LISTENING TO YOUR LIFE, check out November 20 on Forgiveness:

When somebody you've wronged forgives you, you're spared the dull and self-diminishing throb of a guilty conscience. When you forgive somebody who has wronged you, you're spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride. For both parties, forgiveness means the freedom again to be at peace inside their own skins and to be glad in each other's presence.

This quote explains my feelings about my sister and our estrangement. I helped her get thru the deaths of her husband and her daughter, both within a 4 month period, moved down to Charleston and stayed over three months and then one night, she said that her daughter was coming in to discuss some private issues and I would have to stay somewhere else. Where was this daughter during the last three months--not down at her mother's house! But regardless, how could my own sister ask me to leave the house because her daughter wanted to talk privately. I know about wounded pride first hand as of that night. I wish I could forgive so I would be happy to see my sister again. But I am not there yet! When I think of the humiliation I felt that was unjustified I get angry again. And again.

The Forgiveness Road

I googled "forgiveness" and came to a site called The Forgiveness Road. Hoping to get a scent of something that would be pertinent to me in my situation, I read its mission to provide resources to those who have been injured by abuse "so they are able to forgive the abuser and free themselves from the hatred, bitterness and thoughts of revenge that haunt them."

This would not be me. I do not hate people who have wronged me, I am not bitter in my conversations about them and I do not seek revenge. I want them to fly up in the clouds and never come down into my world again. I do not want to even think about them again. I want them to be a non-happening in my schemata. And it all worked.

Until my sister was the culprit and I miss seeing her and being able to respond when people ask about her without gritting my teeth. If there is a forgiveness road, I want to see what roads I have to travel first without making the choice to make the choice.

So I read further for pithy sayings.

* Forgiving happens in three stages:

l. We rediscover the humanity of the person who wronged us.
2. We surrender our right to get even.
3 We wish the person well.

We forgive people only for what they do, never for what they are.
Forgiving is a journey, the deeper the wound, the longer the journey.
Forgiviing does not require us to reunite with the person who broke our trust

So, I have to start--today-- somewhere. I will start on the wound which is not that deep (but still hurts.) My contract was not renewed in June from the University and it was mishandled by the pompous arrogant person who was interim Vice President. I was so stunned and hurt that I packed my drawers in the office, moved out and let the staff all know that I wanted nothing more to do with them. They obliged. It was the easy thing to do and the most comfortable for them. They still had to work there.

Today, because I intend to find out if this whole "forgiveness" stuff is theological hogwash perpetrated by churchpeople who need sermon topics of interest, I made an instant decision I went out to lunch with one of the staff, Sam D., and talked about who we were and are. He was a likely suspect: never had done anything to hurt me in any way, praises my work behind my back, and has a kind heart and an ear for listening. We talked--about how his work was going and I tried to listen without jumping ahead thinking of some way I could throw in something critical of the administration and its handling of things. I resisted being unkind of anyone and it didn't reek of hypocrisy after a couple of sentences.

I don't think you could say this was even a baby step. He had never harmed me. He just belonged to the web of people who are caught up in my attempts to remove people from my world. Sam re-entered this world today. I am not taking him into my daily life again, at this point; I am just accepting his companionship for what it is at the moment.

Families are an unforgiving group.

I picked up the People magazine this morning and read the article about Tatum O'Neal entitled "Finding Forgiveness" (May 24, 2010, p. 67). It tells about the steps she has taken to make reconciliation with her father, actor Ryan O'Neal after a long alienation. In a voice mail from him, he made reference to the film Love Story with reference to the familiar line which echoed through the hearts and minds of those who saw it, "Love means never having to say you're sorry". I had to wonder where he intended to go from there if he was not intending to apologize. Starting fresh is fine but don't you have to make reference to how you got into this stalemate in the first place.

The article goes on: they met at a restaurant, he said he was sorry and she realized that she needed him in her life more than she needed to hang on to what had happened in that past. She acknowledged that she needed hope and healing to overcome the darkness which, at times, had enveloped her. Her lead statement verifies this "I take responsibility for what was my part--but forgiveness is forgiveness."

Who knows whether this relationship will continue to be strong! No guarantees in this life. But the point that I take from this is that nothing has to be permanent so long as people have life. There is a risk in making a move to reconcile, true. Feuding family members have to come to a point of asking if the risk is worth taking knowing the ploys of the past and the failures.

So much to think about; so little time.

For most of my adult life I have dealt with life-crushing dissappointments by turning my back on the person who constantly hurt me. I even said over and over "I forget but I don't forgive" and the second, "No good deed goes unpunished." This was easy when my ex-husband got a divorce and a new wife. It was real easy when the church pastor misled me and the congregation and ran off with the church secretary. It was relatively easy when I finally retired and the administration chose to honor my 36 year work by behaving in less than a cordial dismissal. And now, it came down to my sister and her children. I don't want to walk off from them.

So I need to figure out a better way to deal with forgiveness. I am a seminary graduate and I can read theological journals with the best of them. The trouble is that I am not happy with dealing with disappointment as I have done in the past. I love my sister and know she will never ask for forgiveness because I learned how to deal from her.