An Assessment

When I started this blog, I wanted to deal with my seemingly lack of forgiveness in four major areas:

l. My sister, Betty, and her curt dismissal of me after my being there for her for almost 7 months.

2. My ex-husband, Bill, who makes me angry just by showing up;

3. My former pastor, who tore up the church by his terrible conduct and made me believe that it had no basis in fact--which later came out;

4. The University and the way it failed to renew my contract after 37 years there.

I have made progress in all these areas but I have miles to go. I went to a reception that was held for her deceased husband and we had a good time together. Nothing was said about our schism and it won't be. I took the initiative to speak to my ex-husband and we had a drink and a talk together. It cleared the air for everyone including me.

I tried to call the assistant minister (who knew all about the women and the embezzling by the secretary) but he did not return my call. I put this situation on hold because he went on to another pastorate and I hope that he finds some kind of peace. I also hope that someone checks the financial books of the church.

I continue to have sessions with many people at the University. I still have not had occasion to run into the President. With financial problems looming, I am sure that I am the least of his problems. I was called today by the Senator to see if I wanted to be a Regent of the University. That might prove an impetus for the President to come see me. I leave that in the hands of coincidence.

Now I am going to sign off in this blog. I have felt its usefulness live within me.

It was not a big thing!

I went to the wedding of my grandchild apprehensive about having to be around my ex-husband and tired of making waves for everyone else involved. I heard people wondering whether I would get mad if they spoke to him and all that stuff. And I have read endlessly of forgiveness. The first night we were both there at the same hotel, I saw my niece, Susan, greet him and then both of them looked to see if I was watching the proceedings. Something snapped within me.

I yelled at him and asked him if he wanted to buy us drinks. He nearly passed out and so did Susan but he ran to get the drinks and we sat down to talk for about an hour. I don't know what else went on but it made a difference for everyone involved. It was a small thing in the end. To tell you the truth, it was far easier than trying to avoid him.

In a way, it seemed a natural progression--one that was long in coming. I don't feel like a martyr. I feel like a human being who has learned to walk on.

Lay Aside the Pain for a day or two..

The day is upon us when it is time to have to see my ex-husband again. I was in dire straits all yesterday thinking about what I have to live through and no matter how much I try to ignore the pain, it hits me in the gut. I am allowing him still to live in my brain and haunt me rent-free.

The thing I hate more than anything is that it makes me want to be somewhere else--anywhere--but here when it should be the happiest of times. It is my fault but I cannot escape it no matter how I insulate myself or buck up. I cannot escape my psyche. I keep trying. Lord, knows how I try!

"I'm Sorry"

My daughter and I were talking yesterday about the Sunday School group that she teaches. She said some of the women in the class would be so much better if someone around them would simply say "I'm sorry". Such a small phase but it sticks permanently in the throat.

As I approach the agony of seeing my ex-husband this weekend, I thought I would make a list of what I could actually say I'm sorry for:

I'm sorry that you didn't care enough about how marriage to even discuss putting it back together with me.

I'm sorry that you made the decision and never allowed me to have a anything but a secondary role in what was supposed to be a partnership.

I'm sorry that you never mentioned that you were sorry for anything, including tearing up our family for all time.

I'm sorry that I allow you to still get to me after 20 years.

I'm sorry that I am still sorry for what you put me through in humiliation, anger, resentment, financial loss and tearing up a family--mine, yours, and ours.

Somehow, I can't think that he would be interested in hearing any of my views about anything. I am sorry though for not being enough for him. I thought I tried more than I failed.

Meeting the enemy...again!

I leave tomorrow for Cincinnati to face my ex-husband again for the second time this summer. Our grand daughter, Bailey, is getting married. Let's see, this is the girl that was born on the day that he had the sheriff deliver divorce papers! Yes, that is a happy memory to me! But, I must not linger. I must let by-gones be by-gones.

The truth is I must. This is too long and too happy an occasion to mess with it mentally. Klein writes: "A crucial step in the path toward forgiveness happens when we convince ourselves that what is important to us is important enough to risk whatever reaction we may face." I did this last week when I went to Charleston and I can do it again in Cincinnati. If I do it without sincerity, who is the wiser! I still do it!

I have to walk down the aisle with him in a facade of togetherness. So what! The problem is that I let him have the influence on me to ruin things for me. So he is still getting to me. And I am letting him!

I must meet the enemy again, true. But I do not have to let him get to me. That is the only way that he becomes the enemy...again!

I Made the First Move!

I made the first move to repair the rift between Betty,my sister, and me. I went to Charleston for the dedication of the statue for Warren. I had raised the money so I wanted to be present to thank the people who came. One of the two daughters, Leigh, was so happy I was there; one was her usual self. But Betty and I hugged each other and it was good to see her again. It was a good call on my part.

All in all, it was the right thing to do. I had earned my right to be there and everyone seemed happy to see me. Sometimes there is no need to delve into the past; just let it go and walk on from where you are. If I forgive in my heart, is there a need to examine it again and again. I don't think so.

I did what Mama and Daddy would have wanted me to do. Daddy would have said to let it go. I have and must continue to insist that I do. Forgiveness comes in many shapes and sizes. One of those shapes was showing up with no trace of anything but doing the right family thing. I think you get points for doing that! I hope so!

I can feel it tugging at me today.

Today is the day I go to Charleston for the first time since the blow-up with my sister and nieces. I am going because it is the thing to do. That much I know. I had difficulty sleeping and I have a sinus infection and my eye is swollen and a bunch of other ailments besides the fact that it is blistering hot outside and this is an outside ceremony. I could have found all kinds of excuses but as the old fellow said, "Excuses only satisfy the man who makes them."

So while I am waiting to go down there, I decide to read from Charles Klein again and I light on one story immediately.

A young boy was out flying his kite. The kite went higher and higher until it could no longer be seen. A passerby saw the young boy holding a string and asked what he was doing. The boy replied, "I'm flying a kite." The man was now perplexed for he saw no kite And so he asked, "How do you know the kite is up there?" The boy responded by saying, "I can feel it tugging at me".

I can feel my whole kite tugging at me today.

It's do or die time!

Yes, I am going to that event on Saturday in Charleston. I intend to show up because I think it's on the forgiveness road. Also, it is the thing to do I did all the letters, planned the campaign and took care of the money. I know who the donors are and I know who to thank. I also do not want it said of me that I was hateful or spiteful or angry and did not show my face. Jim went to tell Betty that I was coming. Yes, I have a right to be there.

Am I doing the right thing? You bet I am. It feels right. I have to go to the dentist today and then the Saturday deal. I'm nervous about both of them. But I have to go to both!

I'm fighting with myself today! I'm losing!

I have about made up my mind to make a giant stride into the forgiveness foray. My late brother-in-law is being honored in Charleston this coming weekend. I raised the money for a bust to be put up in the Court House Square and since the problem with my sister, Betty, I have said I was not going to attend.

I need to get over this and grow up. I need to forget about how she treated me so unfairly and just go on about my business. To do otherwise, is to miss out on something that is my accomplishment. No one really has a better reason for going than do I.

It should be a simple decision but I keep wavering back and forth. It would solve so many problems if I would just go. I have to keep reminding myself that I am the one who will be missing out on things if I don't go. My words of Daddy's keep coming back, "I like my people to get along".

His people are not getting along. He would not like this at all.

Sisters talk too much!

I went down to my sister, Jennie's house yesterday to take her a piece of buttermilk-chess pie that I had made. After eating it quickly, she said that she had been talking about me to one of our mutual friends, Bill. She said that she asked him if he knew the difference between me and God. When he replied in the negative, she said "God forgives".

If there had been any pie left, I would have taken it and left. When sisters know about my character flaws and recite them to others, I cannot deny their existence.

I hurried home and continued reading. This time, I pulled off a sermon by Rabbi Stahl on Forgiveness. Mostly why we won't or can't forgive!

He writes: "First of all, usually the people that offend us the most cruelly are those who are closest to us. As hurt and hostile as we are about them, we none the less try our best to hold on to them and don't want them to go. We fear breaking a connection with those who offend us. ..Sigmund Freud captured the significance of this hesitation when he once said, "When I have forgiven a fellow everything, I am through with him." Am I not forgiving because I do not want to break a family tie that was supposed to last to eternity?

I left that first reason to go to the second, "we fail to forgive because we want to nurse our grudges." Closer to my truth. I am justified and I want the world to know it. I ask myself if that is enough reason to hold on!

It reminded me of a three way conversation when I was ordained a deacon in a church which had never ordained a woman. One woman said, "I'm against this. The men will never do another thing in the church if we ordain women!" My mother answered, "Is that enough reason to hold on?"

Sisters talk too much. That's okay when they are wrong. Not so hot when they are close to being right!

Sunday Morning Reading

Since I started trying to figure out if there is such a reality show as the Forgiveness road, I have ordered every book about it that Amazon has. A big package came in last week and I am slowly going through them. The one I am reading today is "How to Forgive When you Can't Forget" written by Charles Klein. I have never heard of him but it is endorsed on the front by Rabbi Harold Kushner so that gives it easy credibility to me.

Klein is also a Jewish rabbi. His original premise is how do you get from "I don't need you anymore" to "I want you to be a part of my life again." He says that the book was written for all these people and others who will not know inner peace until they find a way back to the people they loved." To start off the book he gives a story about the painter who painted a house with a door with no handle. When asked, the painter said, "The door is the human heart. And there's no handle because it can only be opened from within."

"Humanity is never so beautiful as when forgiving another". Jean Paul Richter

I will continue to read this book. Isn't it strange how you can tell at first glance or first hearing if the person knows anything about what you are going through! The man has a hinge on the heart that one might open. He says that pride is the enemy of forgiveness. He says that people refuse to go into some kind of reconciliation because they expect more of the same kind of conduct from that person. Klein says that that kind of reasoning says that people cannot change.

Sometimes, they may feel, as I do, that I will make the overtures and that person will screw me again. And I would rather live without them in my life than line myself up for more hurt.

I will continue to read this book.

Children know how to forgive!

Greg Lowry has been in our family for years since he married my niece. He stayed a part of our family as they went through having two children and then got a divorce. Greg had been married brefore and had three children from that marriage. He has not chosen to be a real part of any of his children's lives or did he bear financial responsibility for them.

Instead, he spent his money on himself when he worked and when he was diagnosed with an illness that produced seizures, he was unable to work. Last night they found him in a local park, homeless where he had been for nearly three weeks; for five days he had had nothing to eat. When his son was notified, all of the children forgot their anger and came together at the hospital trying to take care of him. So did his sister and my niece, his ex-wife.

No one wanted him to end up homeless; yet, he did not try to keep his own kids from being homeless through his efforts.

I wondered what he thought when his five children showed up to help him. I am happy that they did not take time to think about whether he deserved their love and attention.Maybe that is the secret of forgiveness; just showing up when someone is in trouble.

On My Daughter's Recommendation

Last week I was talking to my daughter, Sara, on the phone about forgiveness and my blogging. It is not a subject I discuss often with her because my primary target for unforgiveness arrows is is her father and she oozes with loyalty for him. Both of us are well aware that a wedding is coming up for her daughter we will go through the awkwardness of grandparents who choose not to speak to each other.

Sara teaches Sunday School and takes it very seriously. She asked me to order a copy of the book, "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere. I agreed to do this. When it came this morning, I opened it quickly to see if there was something that she hoped that I would automatically be drawn to. I found a chapter called "Forgiveness: You Don't Give--You Don't Get." This had to be what she had in mind. So I turned to page 121.

The author begins the chapter with the idea that we are constantly saying things we don't mean in order to cope with the moment. He then says that Jesus said one thing often in the Bible. One example is "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. (Matt. 6:14-15)

If I had to pick one line from the chapter that I underlined it is the advice the author gave to one of his parishioners who could not forgive her husband for his cruelty to her: "You cannot forgive him in your own strength. You must take this before God and first ask God to forgive you. Then you can forgive your husband."

I made up my mind that I will pray every day until the wedding for my own forgiveness. I will pray to be released from my anger which escalates from the minute I see him until he leaves my sight. I don't owe that to him; I owe that to me and to Sara who teaches Sunday School.

The Dean's Dilemma

This morning I received what I took to be an urgent call from Dean Prater at the University. We are close personal friends after serving in a professional capacity for many years. She has been through a terrible ordeal with the Chattanooga police department killing her son, Leslie, after he had resisted arrest when he was high on drugs. They filed suit against the department and won a settlement.

This morning, at lunch, we talked about forgiveness and learning to make peace with ourselves and move on. She said that she could hardly stand to stay in the house they retained in Chattanooga because of her anger and despair. I told her that free advice is worth what you pay for it but I urged her to go into those pent up places and make a step or two forward. Maybe they needed to stay pent up and maybe she should relinquish some of them to God so that she could be more free to find herself.

Strange, how much easier it is to give advice to others than it is to take the advice myself. I can only guess how much she is still hurting. But I can be her friend when she calls me urgently to have lunch. That much I can do for her.

Death of Janet Stewart Lohr

Jan Lohr died this morning. We were long-time friends and had walked in a lot of the same paths over the years. Her husband was a football coach and finally moved to the head spot at the University where I worked as well as my ex-husband. Both of them had played football together on the University team many years before.

Then my husband left me and married another woman. I was crushed. No one was angrier at his conduct than Jim Lohr. Then, a few years later, Jim did the same thing. Jan and I shared a common bond of knowing what humiliation and sorrow were and we talked each other through it all. I tried to move on. In some ways, most ways, I did.

Jan could not seem to jump that hurdle or move the ball. Perhaps it was the beginnings of Alzheimer's that were stirring within her but she could not get the subject of her being deceived out of her mind. Some of her friends thought that the anger would never leave her again. She was soon past the point of ever forgiving him. And there it sat.

Her two sons tried to understand but to understand meant that they had to form a judgment or an attachment that she wanted broken forever with their father. I pray for them all but mostly, today, I hope that she has found her peace.

Billy Graham and Forgiveness

I am reviewing the book, Billy Graham His Life and Influence, by David Aikman. One of the final chapters is about Graham's role as National Counselor. Aikman relates the remarks the minister made at the Memorial Service for the Oklahoma City Bombing victims. He said, "And long after the rubble is cleared and the rebuilding begins, the scars of this senseless and evil outrage will remain."

But Graham added that it was incumbent on everyone "to pray and forgive and love." He made the point that evil was a reality in the modern world but that evil would not have the final word.

It reminded me of the words of David Augsburger in "Caring Enough to Forgive".

In a world of flawed communication, community is possible through understanding others.

In a world of painful alienation, community is created by accepting others.

In a world of broken trust, community is sustained by forgiveness.

I hear of people with huge hurts rising up to forgive a perpetrator, a system, a society and I know that I have it within myself to do the same with the people who have torn up my world, and never looked back. Yet I choose to keep the alienation active and alive. I choose this to be my way. But I look back..too often.

Unforgiveness runs Rampant!

Last night I was watching the Joy Behar show on television and the guest for the evening was actress, Valerie Bertinelli. She is known primarily now as the spokesperson for a diet company but many of us remember her from her role as a teenager with .MacKenzie Phillips in a show whose name I can't think of. She was also in the movie magazines when she married Eddie Van Halen, a rock star.

Things have changed. She has lost weight, gotten a divorce and now is on the cover of People magazine for her great "bod" at 50. I started to flip through the channels but stayed with it as she was discussing her divorce. She said that they had come to a time when they were friendly, but she wouldn't go so far as to say that they were friends.

Behar questioned her further about how this was possible since, obviously according to the guest star's new book, there were fireworks between the two for many years following the divorce. Valerie answered, "You must love your children more than you hate your ex."

Funny thing, how someone can say something that hits you. I do love my children far more than I ever hated my ex. Perhaps this actress has gained far more through her years than she has lost over these years.